Sometimes I wish I had that little magic wand I could just wave and have everything perfect.

I really need to sleep and I can't ... 2 nights ago I slept well and I have not been able too since, I have been trying to sleep for the last 2 1/2 hours but still I am awake. I do not seem to be able to let things go at the moment. Tonight I have tried so hard to just relax but I seem to have this little voice in my head saying "I told you so" and everytime I try to go to sleep my mind starts going over the events of the last week...

I just wish that what is said could not be so easily forgotten ...

I have just got off the phone from my step mum who has informed me my dad has had to go pick up my little brother as his mum and her boyfriend have just had a big fight and his kicked her out of the house, his told Nick he can stay but he would prefer not to ... then what his stupid mother has done has left me speachless ... I know I have been suicidal and I know my frame of mind right now is anything but stable, but she got a knife and tried to slit her wrists infront of Nick and he had to wrestle the knife off her. I know my way of thinking has been selfish and that if I do go through with the thoughts I have been having that my children will be scared because of it, but I also know that I would never inflict on them the vision of me killing myself infront of them or even pretend to, which I am sure is what she was doing. Anyway I can't sleep and now this has my mind racing and I doubt I will get any sleep again tonught ... seems my life and those around me are just so fucked up right now ...

Why is it that while your sleeping everything is so peaceful, but then you wake up and life is still the same?

Why is that men and women are so different, and yet we are expected to understanbd each other?

Why is it thatwhat is important to one person is not always so to the one person in your life you would like it to be?

I read a quote the other day and I guess I need to learn to live it ... then maybe things will not hurt so much.

"don't make someone the centre of your world, when to them you are just an option"

I was just listening to music and this one seems fitting right now ...

[link]

I have had a very hard week this week, I think probably the hardest time since telling my boys I was leaving their dad. I have spent a lot of time thinking and a lot of time deciding what it is I want and what it is I need in my life for me to be happy. At the beginning of the week I broke things off with Marcel - not that he accepted it and it was done in the heat of the moment, in saying that though we still do have a lot to discuss and work out before we can even think to head back down the correct road. I guess put simply I have to start putting myself first and if that means starting alone and concentrating on me then that is what I will have to do ... do not get me wrong here I want to be with Marcel and I want to have a life with him ... BUT and there is always a BUT I can't keep destroying everything in my path because I am not happy within myself. I hope Marcel chooses to help me through this time and to stand by as I find what it is I need to be happy, I am sure it is not going to be an easy time and I am also sure that I am going to need a lot of understanding as well as much more from him for him to still be here at the end. I am making the first step though I have the phone number of someone to talk to and in December I am going to an introduction to a self help course ... so with tiny steps I plan to start working on ME. I have also opened up to a couple of friends and actually told them just how dark I am at the moment and of my thoughts of suicide ... it has actually lifted a lot from me and I feel better knowing I have been able to say how I am feeling to someone and not have them look at me with judgement but instead both of them have let me know that they understand but that they are also here for me and no mater what if I need them one is only a phone call away and the other a few streets away. I guess I had convinced myself no one else needed to be burdened with my life but knowing I have been able to discuss this with them rather than just write it here was a big step for me.

Anyway I am exhausted and need some sleep.